Chapter 2

I awoke in the night, startled by some sound that has since passed. I had been dreaming of the odd lady who I had seen playing a sousaphone. She was playing away, as content as could be, but it was snowing outside, in the middle of winter, and snow covered everything around her in at least 4 inches. Nobody else was outside, and yet she played on, not to be distracted.

The night is a beautiful thing, and most times I truly don't mind waking up to be in it. I lie still in bed, watching out of my 7th story window. Not a single person is outside, even though during the day it can be difficult to see the ground through all of the people. It's peaceful at night. The city winds down into a suburban like place, calm and approachable. I lie here face down, as I cannot sleep face up anymore. It's as though my body yearns for the ground so far beneath it. Sleeping on my side or facing upwards hasn't been an option for me since my mother passed away in a train wreck. I've always had an affinity for the indiscernible quality of nature. It may be dissected and taken apart and studied but there are so many characteristics of nature that remain mysterious. It calls out to me, and I can feel it pressing heavy against my chest at night.

It was so difficult to lose my mother. She was there one day and then stolen away from me the next. Remembering her brings back as much pain as it does joy, as every memory is offset by how much it hurts to know I will be with her again. They say numbers over 100,000 become too big for us to comprehend How much space do 1 million pennies take up? A lot. How much space do 1 billion pennies take up? A lot. How much pain does losing a family member take up? Too much. Too much to handle. Too much to comprehend. Or at least that's all I can understand right now. I know nothing.

I remember walking down our front porch, thinking nothing about going to college. She stopped and hugged me, crying a little. She held me tight against her frail body and I could smell her white lily perfume. We stood there, in a dumpy little neighborhood where she had raised me. Only now do I realize that she wished throughout her entire life to have provided a better one for me. I loved growing up in that dumpy part of town, and to think that she felt badly for me kills me inside. She felt badly for me as we stood there, hugging. I didn't return the feeling. I didn't feel like I was going away, I wasn't even going out of state. We stood there, and she hugged me for what would be the last time.

Driving away I didn't even look back. I know she was standing there, waving, losing me, as I've now lost her. I can never forget it.